Failing at Monkey Motherhood

I never fully understood how difficult being a mother truly was.  See, I was one of those hypocritical “my kids won’t do that” or “I won’t parent that way” kinda person. Karma has a nasty little way of throat punching you when necessary, and I’ve quickly come to find out that being a mom is really freaking hard.  Who’d a thunk it?

Don’t get me wrong.  I LOVE MY MONKEYS.  With every fiber of my being LOVE MY MONKEYS.  I would do anything for them.  Like seriously.  Mess with them and I will hurt you so badly that Liam Neeson in Taken would shudder.  They are my heart and soul.

But being a Mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever encountered. I’ve dealt with high school drama, obtained two college degrees, worked multiple jobs, and this mom thing is tough stuff. No parenting book could ever prepare you properly for how difficult it really is.  It’s especially tough when you’re juggling marriage, monkeys, and a career.  I’m not here to discuss who has it tougher, working moms or stay-at-home moms. I think we can all agree that regardless of your career path, being a mom is the hardest thing in the history of all things.

See, Mom’s are the worriers of the world, which is a burden I think most dad’s don’t ever fully comprehend.  Are biggest monkey’s grades up to par?  Is he learning adequately?  Should he be held back?  What if kids are mean to him?  Does middle monkey need additional therapy?  Is his speech improving?  Is his quirky behavior normal?  How can he survive and develop normally on a diet only consisting of ketchup?  Is baby monkey permanently scarred from his eczema?  Is he allergic to everything?  Is there something he can’t climb?  Should we anchor ALL the furniture?  Why is he always into everything?

In addition to being the family worry wart, Mom’s also take on the sole job of remembering and planning EVERYTHING.  Birthday parties.  Checkups.  Dentists.  School calendars.  Snack days.  Social security numbers.  Grocery lists.  Menu plans.  Favorite foods.  Hated foods.  Bills.  Daycare.  Vacations.  We cover it all.  And while my OCD tendencies might secretly prefer to be in control of all the things, the level of anxiety motherhood has brought upon me (and plenty of others) is exhausting.

Being a working mom, I find I have an extreme sense of “mom-guilt”.  Biggest monkey didn’t do very well on that test.  Maybe if you worked more with him at home, instead of putting all those hours in at work, he’d have better grades.  Middle monkey still hasn’t mastered writing his name, and it’s probably because you let him play on the iPad too much while making dinner.  Baby monkey needs to have a specialist appointment, and you need to take him.  What do you mean you don’t have much more sick time left?  What kind of mother are you?

Motherhood is also very scary.  This world is a terrible, awful, evil place.  I’m terrified that they’ll be abducted whenever we’re in a public setting.  I’m fearful that having them in a public school system will, in turn,  steal their innocence.  Already biggest monkey has questioned Santa, and it pains me to think his sweet sweet childhood is being robbed by other kids.  Working in healthcare has made me this ultra-paranoid, super helicopter-ish mom.  Any time someone complains of an ache or pain, I immediately consider “this one time” I heard of someone having this rare, life-threatening condition, and what if that’s what’s going on with him?  And WebMD.  Holy cow.  Turn off your dang search bar, because everything leads to a horrific self diagnosis. Is my anxiety affecting their childhood? Will they have happy memories or awful ones??

How does anyone survive this crazy mom game?  Because I know you never stop being a mom.  I need my mom now, more than ever.  I need my mother-in-law.  I need my aunts.  I need my mom friends.  I need to know that I’m not alone in these thoughts and feelings.  I need to know that there is no “normal” and no one truly has a picture perfect life.  Every mom has their issues.  Every dang one of them.  (Here’s looking at you Pinterest Stepford Mom of the Year!)

How am I dealing?  Well, I have an awesome therapist, some helpful medication, and grace.  I give myself grace.  I had to lower my expectations.  (Also I enjoy wine).  So what if the house isn’t spotless?  So what if they aren’t on the honor roll?  So what if perfect attendance isn’t ever happening?  So what if the neighbors can hear me yelling through double paned windows?  It’s okay he’s not student of the month. It’s fine for him to still sleep in our bed. It’ll be okay, he’ll eat when he’s hungry. It’s all about grace.  🙂

And when no one wants to listen, or when no one eats a morsel of food, or when there are toys strewn about, I breathe in, and remind myself, that this won’t last forever.  They’ll be stinky teenage monkeys in the blink of an eye, and won’t want to be around me.  So despite my anxiety, despite my exhaustion, I enjoy their snuggles, sweet smiles, and baby smells and know this too, shall pass.  Right now, it feels like a kidney stone, but it will pass.

 Xoxo,

~Becca

 

 

My Doctor is a Rockstar for Dealing with my Monkey Business

New Year, New You?  Right?  Well, all except for me.  Apparently the curse of the frequent flyer card at the doctor’s office has been renewed into the new year.  Yay!  Such is life when you have 3 kids, work full-time in a germ-infested environment, stay away from exercise, eat a diet rich in kid-friendly items, and thrive on 6 hours of frequently interrupted sleep.  Whether it’s the monkeys or myself, it seems like we’re visiting the doctor’s office and/or pharmacy on a weekly basis.

Weekly Scene:

Receptionist: “Hi, thank you for calling ________, what do you need to be seen for?”

Me: “Hey girl!  It’s me again!  Hadn’t talked to you all in a week or so, and just wanted to swing by for a quick check-up on _________.  Definitely want to keep doing my part to make sure you all get your paychecks and keep the lights on!”   

Receptionist: “Does a 4:30 reservation work okay for you?”

Me: “Yes!  Sounds great!   Hold our chairs, and we’ll see you then!  Also, make sure to have plenty of staff available to hold if shots are needed.  Perfect, thanks!”

Seriously though.  We see these people more than most of our friends/family.  It’s unreal.  If this place were like Kohl’s, I’d have the Platinum Charge Card maxed out, and be getting 30% off coupons every hour.  And of course the shipping would always be free, because WE’RE THERE THAT MUCH Y’ALL. 

What’s crazy to me, is that I work in healthcare, and have two mentalities when it comes to seeking medical attention.

1.  We’re not going to the Doctor/ER/Urgent Care unless:
   • There is blood and lots of it.
   • Someone’s eye is dangling from their cheek.
   • Something is broken so badly beyond belief that I must see it with my own eyes on an x-ray.
   • Someone can’t breathe.
   • Someone hasn’t kept fluids down for days.
   • Seizures.
2. I/we don’t have time to be sick, someone please help us by administering the elixir of life and solving world peace.

It’s been a struggle of mine to find a provider that understands my levels of anxiety, sarcasm, and general medical conditions, but I’m so blessed to have her in my life now, and will likely follow her to the ends of the earth if she ever leaves.

A quick selfie of my favorite doctor and me.

Let me provide you a bit of an example of the shenanigans she has to put up with from me:

Recently, I developed an enlarged lymph node in my groin.  TMI for most, but there’s no sugar-coating it.  As I typically do, I “googled” this condition, and convinced myself that I was near death, and sought out medical attention from my homegirl, as opposed to writing my obituary and finding someone capable of trimming my kids nails in my absence.

One ultrasound and normal labs later, we have this conversation:

Dr: “Hey, just wanted to discuss your message you sent regarding your labs and ultrasound report, do you have a minute?”

Me: “Of course!  I’ve been freaking out because I googled what the radiologist dictated and it said I probably have lymphoma and need to have a biopsy to confirm  Is that something you do in the office, or should I schedule that?”

Dr: “Your labs were normal, and the report says the lymph node is benign, so I feel that you’re not going to need a needle stuck in your groin.”

Me: “Oh, that’s a relief!  I really wasn’t looking forward to that!  Another site said it could even be an STD!  Holy cow!  I’ve been contemplating smothering my husband in his sleep after reading that!”

Dr: “Please don’t smother your husband.”

Me: “I also read a study that people who have had a history of Mono, which I had when I was 16, can have all sorts of autoimmune issues.  I’ve got thyroid issues, I probably have IBS, because, woah, and now this?  I just don’t feel like a normal 30 something, ya know?”

Dr: “Well, you’ve been saying this since you’ve had kids, so that’s probably what’s going on, don’t you think?  Maybe you’re not getting enough rest, and not staying well hydrated?  But maybe check with your Endocrinologist at your next appointment.”

Me: “Yeah, you’re probably right.  I’m sorry I’m crazy.  Thank you for dealing with me!”

Dr: “You’re welcome.  See you soon.”  (Because she know’s we can’t go long without a visit.)

God. Bless. Her.  She gets me.  Like really gets me, and my hypochondriac ways.  I hate that I am this way, and I definitely don’t want anything to ever be wrong with myself, or my family.  But I’ve seen things.  Crazy young kids with all kinds of rare, untreatable things that their parents brushed off as nothing.  Moms who thought their symptoms were part of “getting older” and ended up with some freakishly huge tumor that required surgical intervention and multiple rounds of chemotherapy and radiation.  That is definitely something I don’t have time for.

So, unfortunately, this New Year, I’ll still be the same, paranoid, google-obsessed patient I’ve always been.  Describing symptoms and conditions to my doctor, while she sweetly smiles, calms my fears, and eases my anxiety.

Me explaining all my ailments to my doctor

My advice to you:

1. Find a doctor that you LOVE.  Like really LOVE.  Like want to be Facebook friends with and follow on SnapChat and Instagram LOVE.  ♥
2. Seek out medical attention when you feel like you need it.  They won’t think any less of you, and it could likely save your life.
3. Take care of yourself, whether it be with sleep, water, diet, or wine.
4. Uninstall WebMD on your phone, and stop googling what it means when your kids don’t follow directions/eat their food/sleep through the night, or a combination of frequent conditions felt in parenthood (fatigue, trouble concentrating, weight gain, etc.).
5. Like, Comment, Share if you can relate or find it comical!

-XOXO~Becca

 

Bottomless Backpacks…

First, let me preface this with making it well known the amount of respect and appreciation I have for ANYONE involved in the school system.  There is NO WAY I would be able to perform the day to day duties of your job, and not lose my mind.  Teachers are rock stars!  I’m related to several, and have even more who are dear friends.  This is in NO WAY meant to hurt anyone’s feelings or criticize the amazing work that you do.

But seriously though, can we cool it with the never ending parental to-do lists???  Like really, it’s a bit much.  Just in the last two weeks, my “things to do” for my two school- aged children included:

• Arrange outfits for the fresh hell known as “Red Ribbon Week”

• 	When I Was In School	This Year	Stuff so Hard it might as well be…
  Monday	Hat Day	Red Day	Bring a Pirate to School Day
  Tuesday	Crazy Sock Day	Silly Sock Day	Walk Like an Egyptian Day
  Wednesday	Inside Out Day	Hero Day	Be Quiet Day
  Thursday	PJ Day	PJ Day	All Day Spelling Bee Day
  Friday	School Spirit Day	Costume Day	Wear a Coat of Arms Day

  Prepare for Halloween party (costume & treats) that doesn’t take place on Halloween

• • All while keeping in mind that your child will need to:
• • • Use the restroom
• • • Carry treats onto/off of the school bus
• Please send in the following items:
• • Leaves
• • Pinecones
• • Fall flowers
• • Acorns
• • Small pumpkins
• • Gourds
• • Feathers
• • Craft Sticks
• • Beads
• • Cotton Balls
• • Q-tips
• • $2 for party food
• • Empty coffee can
• • Box tops
• Please fundraise pizza
• • Nope, ain’t happening
• Please sign up for:
• • Parent teacher conferences
• • • Available hours are 8:00a-3:00p
• • • Current work schedule is 8:00a-4:30p
• • Thanksgiving Feast Volunteers
• • • Feast at 2:00p (see work schedule above)
• Please don’t send in the wrong backpack, because it’s not safe
• • Um, what?
• Please label any article of clothing of your child’s that could ever be mistaken for someone else’s clothing
• • Why is my child naked??
• Prepare for a Halloween party and dress child in a simple, safe costume
• • What is simple?
• • What/who deems the safety of it?
• Locate and/or purchase costume for Indian or Pilgrim for upcoming Thanksgiving Feast
• • Did I throw it away or is it lost somewhere?
• Continue to:
• • Complete homework exercises for two children
• • Practice weekly spelling words
• • Spend individual time with each of three children
• • Read individually to each of three children
• • Prepare nutritious, home cooked meals
• • Clean ravaged house
• • Dishes
• • Laundry (wash, dry, fold, put away)
• • Pack lunches
• • Be nice
• • Bathe kids
• • 8:00pm bedtime (HA!)
• • Avoid cursing
• • Attend extracurricular events/practices (and be on time)
• Attempt to:
• • Improve reading and math scores
• • Decrease screen time
• • Practice speech with two children
• • Work on safe stair climbing with one child
• • Diet/Exercise/Lose 15 pounds
• • Lower cholesterol and blood pressure
• • Sleep 8 hours
• • Work 40+ hours
• • Drink 6-8 glasses of water each day (NOT WINE)

I often wonder why I’m the spastic mess that I am, and then I re-read that exhaustive list and understand completely why this is SHEER RIDICULOUSNESS.  This is really too much for parents to have to manage.  Being a parent is enough, for real.  Leave us alone.

HOLY COW, WHY ARE THEY TRYING TO KILL ME???  THEY ARE NOT BENEFICIARIES ON MY LIFE INSURANCE POLICIES!!!

And then I’m stressed.  So my kids are stressed.  And then my husband is stressed.  And here we are, stressed and yelling ALL. THE. TIME.  Because school and homework and life is stressful.  And they should get it, because they’re parents too, but then nothing ever eases up.  IT JUST GETS WORSE.

AND I DON’T EVEN HAVE THREE IN SCHOOL YET.  And this is why I hate elementary school.

Please say I’m not alone in this frustration!  Please say it gets better in middle school.

~XOXO Becca

I Just Want to Have Fun…But I’m a Mom

First, let me apologize for my hiatus, but judging by my frustration levels, I NEED TO VENT, and this is my healthy outlet.  Also, I find that everyone else is going through the same, thinking the same thing, and I’m just the one who opens my mouth about it.

Now, lets cut to what I want to discuss today-being a boring mom.  Or at least that’s what my kids think of me.  Once upon a time, I had fun.  I laughed.  A lot.  I lounged on the couch all day, binge watching movies and TV shows.  But then I had THREE monkeys, who make a TON of messes, dirty up a TON of laundry, and use up a TON of dishes.  While I wish I was, I’m not Cinderella, and I can’t sing a chipper song and woodland creatures come and tidy up our home and finish all my chores.  It would be nice though…

So now I’m bat sh** crazy.  All the time.  Always pleading for people to pick up after themselves.  Put dirty laundry in the hampers.  And help.  Please for the love of God and all that is holy, stop wrestling and freaking HELP!  I’m constantly screaming at someone to do something.

And then I find myself wondering, why everyone else is “fun”?  Why is Daddy so fun?  Why do you enjoy hanging out with literally everyone else but me?  Probably because I’m losing my sh** every day.  I know, I know, Patricia.  I should take a minute.  Enjoy them while they’re little.  Let the dishes go.  But you know who else cares about dishes?  Child protective services AND rats.  And if I let everything go, NOTHING WILL GET DONE.  NO ONE ELSE WILL DO IT.  So there, Patricia, my kids will get put in foster care.  But I’d still be fun to them, so there’s that.

Ugh…

~XOXO Becca

 

Monkey’s Messy Poop II

If you would have told me there would be a sequel to the pooptastrophe, I would have told you there couldn’t be anything worse than Monkey’s Messy Poop I.

Well, life, monkeys, and poop, have a way of continuously proving me wrong.

After dinner, I had to strip baby monkey down to his diaper, because he was super messy (shocker).  I let him run around and play before getting all the monkeys ready for bed.  Evidently this was a terrible, no good, very bad idea.

While I was dressing middle monkey, baby monkey pooped.  Then took his diaper off.  Then put his diaper on his head.  HIS FREAKING HEAD.

My best attempt at recreating this epic pooptastrophe

What makes this sh**uation even worse, was that I DIDN’T KNOW THE POOP WAS IN HIS HAIR FOR A WHILE.  Like 5 minutes, at least.  See, I panicked when I rounded the corner and saw him carrying a poopy diaper around our house (duh!).  I quickly scanned the room looking for poopy evidence on the carpet, walls, or couch, but found no remnants of rogue feces in sight.  I thought the coast was clear.  I thought wrong.

Of course, when I scooped him up, I got the poo ALL OVER ME.  My arms, my clothes, EVERYWHERE.  And it was in the obvious places on him too (legs, butt, etc.).

After I used an entire package of wipes cleaning us both up, I kept getting whiffs of the poo.  WHERE WAS IT COMING FROM????  WAS IT EMBEDDED IN MY NOSTRILS NOW????  What did I ever do as a human to keep having these pooptastrophes happening to me????

Then, he did a spider monkey ninja turn on the changing table.  And I saw it.  Caked in his precious, wispy baby hair.  POOP.  Smeared.  Top to bottom.  Hoping it was leftovers, and not what I speculated, I smelled it.  WHY, GOD, WHY DID I SMELL IT????? 

Yup, it was poop.  I screamed.  Not sure for who, because the older monkeys were laughing at this sh**show.  I kept repeating, this isn’t funny.  Why does this keep happening to me?  I contemplated using more wipes to clean the pooptastrophe, but I knew we were far beyond the aid of wipes.

Into the tub you go stinky, poo cladded baby.  *facepalm*

Did I mention that this happened all while changing the clothes of a 3 year old?  I don’t even understand how he managed to wreak so much havoc in less than 2 minutes.  But it happened.  And I’m still getting random whiffs of poop.  So I’m pretty sure it’s hiding somewhere else, waiting to be found.  Or it’s in my hair.  Not really sure at this point.  Stay tuned, as I’m sure there will be a sequel to this ongoing saga.

Can you top this pooptastrophe?  Let me hear it!

XOXO~Becca

The Circus Hits the Road

Since we didn’t take a lengthy summer vacation, we decided it would be a fantastic idea to visit one of our most favorite places, Gatlinburg, Tennessee, for an extended weekend of fun with the monkeys before school got back in session.

I thought it would be helpful, insightful, and comical to share our experiences.

We decided to stay at Wilderness of the Smokies, which boasts both outdoor and indoor water attractions for kids (and adults) of all ages and stages.  We’ve previously stayed here and the monkeys LOVE it.  We love making them happy, and making memories, AND we had a discount code, AND a gift card,  Woo Hoo!  We also had Grammy monkey come with us so we could utilize man-to-man defense against these wild things.

Here was our itinerary:

Wednesday:

• Pack bags for kids, adults, dog
• Gather snacks, food, drinks
• Bathe dog
• Clean house

(None of this happened in real life)

Thursday:

• Goal: Load car, departure at 2:00pm, dog sitter at 3:00pm, 10 minute break (TBT), arrival at resort at 5:45pmReality:
  • Pack bags for kids, adults, dog.  Gather snacks, food, drinks.  Depart at 4:00pm
  • Realize no one got cash from the bank.  Stop by bank.  Departure at 4:25pm
  • Realize no one got ALL the stuff for the dog.  Apologize for 30 minutes to dog sitter.  Arrive at dog sitter at 5:35pm
  • Leave phone at dog sitter.  Depart at 5:57pm
  • Monkeys are starving.  Stop for dinner at Chick-fil-A, wait in historically lengthy line, bathroom break, depart at 6:24pm
  • Someone has to pee.  Random gas station bathroom break at 7:39pm
  • Finally for the love of God and all things holy, arrive at resort at 9:27pm
  • “Are we there yet?” count: Eleventy Zillion

Friday:

• Breakfast at Pancake PantryThis is my FAVORITE restaurant in the entire state of Tennessee.  It is located in downtown Gatlinburg, and is well worth the wait.  We make plans to eat here every time we’re in the area.  In my experience, it’s best to eat here on weekdays, so the crowds aren’t quite so much.  My favorite thing to order here is chocolate chip pancakes AND their cucumber & onion crocks.  They require cash, so plan accordingly!

• Stop at Kroger for forgotten items, additional needs, and next days breakfast plan
• Weather is Nice!  Check-in to outdoor cabana, play at outdoor park.  Run children to the point of exhaustion or the point of adult insanity, whichever comes first.
  • With such young monkeys who still require naps, we opted for a 2 day rental of their AMAZING outdoor, air-conditioned cabanas.  This is well worth the money!  The servers are so nice, they’re fairly centrally located, and have a TV, bench seats, and provide a place to cool off, allow for naps, and enjoy some peace and quiet amongst the craziness.
• Return to room, argue about potential dinner plans for 30 minutes.  Notice middle monkey has fallen asleep with tablet on his face
• Order room service in hopes remaining two monkeys fall asleep shortly thereafter
  • Their pizza is pretty yummy!
• Take oldest monkey to the Adventure Forest for some one on one time with Daddy monkey
  • This is SO fun for the older monkeys!  There’s an arcade, rock wall, laser tag, bowling alley, etc.!

Saturday:

• Awake, cook easy breakfast casserole.  Hope all monkeys enjoy (here’s looking at you picky eater #2!)
• Chill on balcony with morning coffee while listening to soft rain
  • Send obligatory vacation SnapChat
• Text friends on the hour as we anxiously await their arrival
• Check in to cabana and enjoy outdoor water park till youngest monkeys start having HUGE meltdowns
  • The monkeys LOVE the lazy river.  I have no earthly idea why.
• Grammy monkey to the rescue!  Nap time for baby monkey in the room, while the remaining posse hits up the indoor park.  It is now hotter than the surface of the sun when walking outdoors on concrete, and we did NOT pack water friendly shoes
  • Enjoyed surfing and the “toilet bowl” tube slide while baby free.  Thanks to my sweet friends for watching middle monkey, and accompanying the grown-up monkeys!

After a fun-filled day, we hit up our second favorite place, Huck Finn’s.

• • This place is great!  The sides are served “family style” and they have a little bit for everyone (not just seafood).  My favorite thing is a tie between their awesome hush puppies or their clam strips with homemade tartar sauce.
• Quick stop at the Nike Clearance outlet
  • This little gem is NOT located in the Tanger Outlet, but tucked behind the Pigeon Forge strip.  It has a blue roof, and we generally have good luck in finding steals on shoes, clothing, etc.
• Return to the resort for delicious soft serve ice cream and more fun in the Adventure Forest

Sunday

• Ferociously pack bags, while maintaining some level of organization.
  • Fail miserably
• Checkout at 11:00 (Just kidding, it’s supposed to be at 10:30, oopsie!)
  • Panic
• Make great effort to completely tire out ALL monkeys in hopes they sleep the entirety of the trip home.
  • This was accomplished by bouncing to and from the indoor/outdoor parks.
    • Special shoutout to our Jogger Stroller!

Depart at 1:30pm.  (Goal was for 2:00pm, so look at us being ahead of schedule!)

• Stop at Apple Barn
  • Normally we would eat their delicious food, but we were pretty anxious to get back home, and we wanted to take full advantage of sleeping monkeys
  • Purchased trio wine gift pack as Thank You to my awesome friend for dog sitting
• Someone has to pee.  Random stop for lunch and bathroom break at McDonald’s before hitting the road.  2:22pm
  • If you don’t have the McDonald’s app, download it.  You’ll thank me later.
• Someone is thirsty.  Random stop for beverages that took TEN MINUTES to get.  5:47pm.
• Pickup excited pooch.  All children awake and are instantly dying of dehydration and starvation.  Make epic fail decision to stop AGAIN at historically slow restaurant of choice, Taco Bell.  6:37pm.
  • Why does this keep happening to us?
• Never so excited to see my house and sleep in my bed.  8:03pm.
• Unload car, collapse
• “How much longer?” count: Two jillion.

 

All in all, it was a great little trip, and we’re looking forward to our next stay in the beautiful Smoky Mountains!  Obviously food is my favorite thing to enjoy there.  What’s yours?  Share with us!

 

~XOXO Becca

Monkey’s Messy Poop

When you have monkeys, you become completely immune (well, for the most part) to their bodily functions.  You find no problem with discussing it at the dinner table, in casual conversations with friends, or via texts to your spouse.  It’s perfectly acceptable, and a normal part of parenting life.  What parenting classes and self-help books fail to prepare you for is the immense mess that those bodily functions can entail.  Let me explain.

At some point in your precious monkey’s youth, you WILL experience what I call a “pooptastrophe.”  This could encompass the infamous “poop up the back” or even its distant cousin, the “poop out the legs.”  While you will survive these situations, nothing, NOTHING, can prepare you for the impending doom known as the “car seat poosplosion.”

Friends, I survived (barely) a car seat poosplosion of epic proportions tonight.

Scene: Baby monkey was jabbering in his typical fashion, and we growled back and forth as we typically do.  No wafting smells of terror were present during the car ride.  Grammy monkey was with us (PRAISE THE LORD) and proceeded to take baby monkey out of his car seat.  Folks, this is when the sh** literally (and figuratively) hit the fan (hands, legs, clothes, etc.)

See, baby monkey had managed to force out a Guinness Record sized poosplosion with such effort that it covered both legs, both sides of the car seat, and completely up his back.  While I’m no scientist, I struggle to comprehend how such a tiny monkey can create enough pressure to make poop travel such a long distance.  There was SO. MUCH. POOP.  EVERYWHERE.  I panicked.

My visual depiction of the Great Pooptastrophe of 2018

I carried baby monkey into the house at an arm’s length.  I barely was capable of disarming the security system, whilst poop was dripping from his chubby legs onto my pants.  Did I mention that there was SO. MUCH. POOP?

While cleaning (attempting to clean, because POOP), I kept asking myself how this happened.  It was like I was expecting someone (God?) to explain to me the exact logic in this actual, literal sh**show.  I touched his arm, poop.  I held his foot, poop.  I wiped here, found more poop there.  POOP, POOP, POOP!

After a case or so of wipes, I found my efforts futile, and proceeded to bathe the poop covered monkey.  During his bath, I caught a glimpse of more poop clinging to my pant legs (like how does this even happen?)  I melted in disgust.  After his bath, I quickly laundered the car seat cover and poop caked clothing.

THE END

While I survived, it wasn’t without some key elements:

• Grammy Monkey
• • You are the REAL MVP of this pooptastrophe.  You discovered it, wore it, and helped contain it like a champ.  You deserve a poop-free, amazingly scented medal of honor.  I’ll work on that.
• Quick Remove Car Seat Covers
• • With middle monkey, we stepped up our parenting game and purchased a car seat with “quickly removable seat covers”.  Do it.  You’ll thank me later.  Here’s ours:
• • It’s an even bigger game changer when you have TWO seats, and you can quickly replace the soiled cover 😉
• Baby bath chairs
• • This amazing thing has survived three monkeys, and provided me with the ease, speed, and confidence to bathe slippery, squirmy monkeys.  Plus it helps my back out, so there’s that.  Here’s ours (kinda):

Look at that super cute, not poop covered baby (who’s not mine…)

Have you ever experienced/survived a pooptastrophe?  I’d love to hear about it!  Especially if it’s worse than mine!  If not, hope my pearls of poopy wisdom can help you out when you do encounter a poosplosion!

~XOXO Becca

The Tale of Chunky Monkey

Once upon a time, there was a healthy, athletic, and energetic monkey.  She was active, participating in sports, gardening, and numerous outdoor activities.  She ate plenty of fresh fruits, vegetables, and lean cuts of meat.  She also was very well rested, as she was able to get 8-10 hours of sleep each night uninterruptedly.

Look how pretty she was!

After her second infant (that really is what baby monkeys are called, I googled it), she struggled to go back to her former weight, and began having issues with her thyroid.  After her third infant, her hypothyroidism worsened, and she was diagnosed with an abdominal muscle wall separation, known as diastasis recti.  She felt like crap (because of the thyroid), she looked like crap (because of the muscle wall separation), and there wasn’t crap she could do about it (exercises were limited, and energy levels were low).  Doctors encouraged her to diet and exercise lightly, but she couldn’t.  She didn’t have the time or energy.  She was raising wild monkeys, and working full-time hours.

After thousands of comments on her weight and appearance, the monkey decided it was time to do something about it.  She started meal prepping and dieting, doing low-intensity exercises, and *poof!* she transformed into a beautiful princess and lived happily ever after.

Oh wait, I think I got my fairy tales mixed up.  That last part doesn’t sound right.  Oh, I know, because that last part hasn’t happened yet.  The thousands of comments have.  Well, maybe not thousands.  But enough comments that if someone else asks me when I’m due, I’ll probably throat punch them.  Like seriously.  Without hesitation.  And I did decide that it was time to do something about it.  Because tummy tucks are expensive, and taking 6 weeks off of working and wife-ing and mommy-ing isn’t an option at this point.

So, tomorrow starts a work-based weight loss challenge (and I am SOOOOOO COMPETITIVE and MUST WIN) and also starts my journey to a healthier monkey (me).

Actual photo of me (with no filter) at a recent work anniversary celebration, and what truly made me want to make a change! 😉

My challenges:

• Need for low impact/high calorie burning exercises/activities that take 30 minutes or less
  • I cannot join a gym or go places, because, kids & $$$
  • I have ZERO core strength, and core exercises can make my separation worse
• Need for budget friendly, kid friendly, quick fix meal ideas for breakfast/lunch/dinner/snacks
  • Most breakfast options will need to be on-the-go or very quick fix
  • Most lunches will need to be made ahead, or easily re-heatable
  • Suppers need to be able to be prepped/cooked/served in 45 minutes or less
  • My monkeys survive on:
    • Processed food(s)
    • Applesauce
    • Ketchup
    • Little to no vegetables
    • Simple fruits (apples, bananas)
    • Anything from restaurants that provide toys with meals
    • Air
  • Despite what my mother says, I am NOT a picky eater

With this said, I know it will be difficult, and I know I’m not alone in this struggle.  Wish me luck, I’ll need it!

Do you have any suggestions?  Tips?  Tricks?  Recipes?  Exercises?  I’d love to hear it!  I’ll continue sharing in my journey to a happy, healthier monkey!

~XOXO Becca

The Ringmaster’s Day Out: A Bourbon Review and Marriage Stuff

Daddy monkey recently had a birthday, and what better way to celebrate by knocking off a bucket list item: The Kentucky Bourbon Trail. (Well, a portion of it at least…)  Plus, we were able to enjoy a much needed (and extremely over-due) date day.  More on that later.

If you’re not familiar with Kentucky, we’re basically famous for three things:

1. Bourbon
2. Bluegrass
3. Basketball

Bourbon, much like beer, is an acquired taste (in my opinion), and my taste tends to fancy the fairly expensive, single-barrel options.  If all of that is a foreign language to you (it was to me 3 days ago), I encourage you to to visit some of these amazing places, because I’m not a very good teacher, and it’s much more fun to see, smell, learn, and taste for yourself.

• Buffalo Trace, Frankfort, KY:

I’d have to say that this was our favorite distillery stop of the day.  The history of this place is SO fascinating and the grounds are absolutely stunning.  Our tour guide was Rick, and he was SUPER funny and very informative.  My favorite tasting here was their Bourbon Cream.  It seriously didn’t taste alcoholic at all, which is a bit frightening.

• Four Roses, Lawrenceburg, KY: 

We didn’t take a tour of Four Roses, but did enjoy a tasting on their beautiful terrace.  The overall appearance of the distillery gives off a bit of Spanish flair, which pairs sweetly with the charming meaning behind the Four Roses name.  I can’t really say I had a favorite here, but loved how well Lauren explained the mix of things to where I could understand it better.  I’m a visual learner, and kudos to you all on your fantastic poster board demonstration.

• Wild Turkey, Lawrenceburg, KY: 

If you ever stop here for a tour, be sure to have Bubba as your guide.  OH EM GEE, this feller is HILARIOUS!  He honestly made the tour SO much more enjoyable.  I loved how this facility wasn’t as “dolled up” or fancy as the others.  I imagine it looks just like it did in its early stages, and I love that.  The story behind it is pretty neat also.  My favorite tasting here was the Wild Turkey American Honey Sting.

• Town Branch, Lexington, KY: 

This was an impromptu stop, and I’m so very glad we did.  While we didn’t have time for a full tour, Marshall made sure we were satisfied with our visit and gave us a PRIVATE tasting!  It was so sweet, and because of his sincerity, we will definitely be back for another visit!  My favorite tasting here is a tie.  I’d previously tried their Bluegrass Sundown dessert cocktail (and it’s to DIE for).  However, I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE their Town Branch Single Barrel.  I honestly could sip on this by itself, which I typically don’t do.

While this was a birthday bucket list item, it was definitely more of a day to enjoy ourselves.  Without the monkeys.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE THOSE MONKEYS with every fiber of my being, but sometimes they’re jerks, and I need some time away from them before I lose my mind.  I remember early on during our first pregnancy, folks would approach us with their unwanted words of wisdom, and bestow upon us their greatest thoughts on how to be amazing parents.  “Be sure to make time for weekly date nights.”  I thought, ha!  Whatever, we’ll be fine.  And not that we’re not fine, but marriage AND kids is freaking hard.  Like REALLY FREAKING HARD.  How do you show how much you love someone when there’s so much to be done, so little time, and you’re utterly exhausted?  Like seriously, how do you, because I’ve yet to figure it out.  I work full time, these kids require a lot of attention, and because of that, we eat out far too much than I care to admit, and our home looks like a mixture of a preschool room meets fraternity house.   How do you communicate with your spouse (like really communicate) when the bulk of your conversations revolve around poop, homework, grocery shopping, and the never ending list of things to be done around the house?  Again, seriously asking, because we’re failing here too.

We just get lost in the mundane, day-to-day grind, and forget who we are and why we love each other.  We essentially become roommates, who occasionally sneak in a quick kiss, flash a fake smile, and carry on with whatever else needs to be done.  Folks, it’s SO SO important to not forget about your spouses though.  Daddy monkey drives me crazy, but I seriously couldn’t do life with anyone else.  He might make my blood boil occasionally, but we’re pretty good partners, and we’ve managed to (mostly) figure out how to (semi) tame these wild monkeys.

If you love bourbon and want to share some advice on where we should hit up next, comment below!

If you need a day date, and have some cool ideas on one, comment below!

If you completely relate to the stresses of marriage with kids, comment below!

If you can help the rest of us hot mess expresses: PLEASE TELL US YOUR WAYS BELOW!

~XOXO Becca

Weekend Monkey Business (And a Yummy Recipe)

Do you ever feel like you need Monday to come so you can “rest” after an eventful weekend?  I felt like this today.  Let me tell you why:

Friday: Being the overachiever that I am, I decided it would be a great idea to schedule our (overdue) dental exams for 2 monkeys and myself.  Baby monkey would be accompanying us, but not participating.  The older two monkeys did fantastic during their individual exams.  It seems kids are always darling angels when NOT with their parents.  Just when you think you’re going to be fine in a public outing, your monkeys will prove you wrong.  HORRIBLY WRONG.  During my exam, they proceed to tear the dental office apart, board by board.

(^Actual photo of my kids at the dentist office^)

When we left, the display model of teeth was missing two incisors and a canine.  Cheerios littered the floor, and I left a bucket of sweat in the chair.  Having my monkeys in public (and completely outnumbered) seriously makes me a nervous wreck, and their behavior didn’t make it any easier.

Saturday:  Since it was 1250 degrees in our neck of the woods this Saturday, a pool seemed the most fitting place to be.  We finally cashed in the offer to hang out with some dear friends, with an amazingly beautiful home, and a pool big enough to contain all our “circle” of friends and their kiddos.  The monkeys had a splashin’ good time!  (I’m super punny today!  LOLOL)  The adults probably didn’t have as much of a good time since watching kids around water is an extremely stressful and nerve-wracking task.

(Legit actual footage of the monkeys being water bugs)

Sunday:  Sunday brought a reason to celebrate: an upcoming wedding!  A couple’s shower meant ALL the circus got to tag along, and another incredibly awesome house with a pool. These monkeys are water bugs!  And I made a super yummy, super easy pasta salad.  (Recipe below). Taking children to a party means they have prime opportunity to make you SO proud, or SUPER embarrassed.  Guess which path they chose?  Baby monkey has discovered his murderous scream voice, and older monkeys fought over toys.  Daddy monkey supervised the wrestling matches, and Mommy monkey chased butt-scooting, balloon chasing baby.  It was fun.  And sweaty.  Middle monkey didn’t want to swim.  But then he changed his mind.  And we changed clothes.  And then we got in the pool, and it was very refreshing.  And then he wanted out.  And then in.  And then out.  And you get the picture of how that story ended.

What was most exhausting though, was not the physical component of any of these days, but the mental and emotional aspect of it.  Anxiety sucks, and coping with anxiety AND 3 wild kids is hard.  I was a nervous wreck at the dentist.  What were they thinking about their behavior?  What kind of parent do they think I am, that I can’t control my kids in public?  I was on edge at both pool parties, because I was fearful of not being able to watch all 3 kids at the same time.  Accidents can happen in the blink of an eye, and my kids seem incredibly accident prone, and are faster than any blinking eye.  I’m still struggling to manage and deal with my anxiety with the monkeys.  How do you handle yours?  Comment below!  But no judgy mcjudgypants posts please!  XOXO~Becca

 

Miss Amanda’s Amazingly Easy Pasta Salad

1 box Tri-Color Rotini Pasta

1 bottle Italian dressing

1/2 bottle of McCormick’s Supreme Salad

1 Cucumber, Peeled, Sliced, Quartered

1 container Cherry/Grape Tomatoes, Halved, Quartered

1 container of Shredded Parmesan Cheese

1.  Cook pasta according to package instructions.
2. While pasta is cooking, mix dressing and spice mix in large bowl.
3. Cut up veggies, add to dressing mixture.
4. Once finished, drain pasta and rinse with cold water.
5. Add pasta to dressing mixture, and toss to coat.
6. Add shredded cheese, and toss to coat.
7. Chill for several hours before serving.

This recipe can be easily doubled (or tripled), and would be super yummy with a pepperoni addition!  Enjoy!